ROUGH DRAFT: An Apology To Those Who Love Me

Sometimes, I feel like a burden to those who love me, because at times, I don't love myself; typically how I fracture some of my strongest bonds. I decided to write a quick apology letter (which could honestly be better, but I wrote it too quick) based off of this! Maybe later, I can add more depth to it.

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“i love you”

We sit a good few feet away from each other, just enough distance to bear the violence of the congruent silence. Our eyes meet for too long as we both avert them to the still scenery. It’s almost as if our nerves are in a competition— with your persistent foot taps, and my mind racing in confusion. With just those three words, you put your foot halfway through the door.

The welling of your eyes, paired with the fiddling of your fingers, tells me everything I need to know. I just know you wait for me to repeat those words. To you, it doesn’t matter how or when I do— you just want for when I say it, for it to be true.

The ache of the swarm of butterflies in my stomach springs me up to my feet, causing me to take my leave. The silence we sat in was unbearable, and your patient eyes put me to shame. Why do you have to be so patient with me? Why can’t you just discard of me? Despite your body being halfway through, I slammed the door in your face, shutting you out.

One foot in front of the other, I walk away. Although I made a point of not turning around, I so desperately wanted to. I wanted to be able to meet your uncomplaining eyes, and be warmed by your understanding presence. Your compassionate gaze sat on my shoulder; I knew you stared at me with pity for my inability to accept your love.

In the face of your constant attempts to read me, I was as clear as mud. Your love scared me. I didn’t deserve it, and I never will. Your love was threatening to me because it was a promise that you would inevitably hurt me in a way unrepairable. Why couldn’t we just enjoy each other’s company? Why did you have to make me feel worthy for once?

It was a constant battle between me and your love; it was always me pushing it away, whilst it would try and stand its ground. When I was finally crowned victor, my body became blue. How sorrowful that your love couldn’t outlast my self-pity, and it ended up dissolving; that cuts a deep wound.

But sometimes in my solitude, I lay in bed at night staring at my bleak ceiling. Where the night is still, and the air is clear, and I think about how much I miss your love, and how much I miss you. I know I didn’t deserve it, but I want to pull it back. I want you to try and open that door once more, try and decipher me once more, and try and love me once more.

Sometimes, your adoration overwhelms me, and I need time to process the realness of it. I can’t believe that someone like you, can even begin to stoop to the levels of me. Do you actually love me, or am I just delusional? Am I even deserving?

Yes, I am a pain to adore, but we can do it all again. Let's go back to that day we were a good few feet away from each other, just enough distance to bask in the gentleness and vulnerability of the kind silence. When our eyes met for too long, and our nerves were at an all time high, that we were unsure of where to go from there. When your foot was halfway through that door so that you can give me a chance to tell you to "come in".

Because after that painful while, I would finally admit and begin to see that

“i love you” too.