A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Dear Jewel,

When I think about pictures, my unstable and at times non-existent relationship with the phenomenon comes to mind.

At times, I just want to capture the beautiful hues that color the sky, so I can really capture the nostalgia of the moment, and always remember my exact sentiments when I saw the sun hiding behind the clouds.

I want to so badly remember the way the moon glistened in the reflection of the pond, with the koi fish swimming peacefully.

Yet, I don’t want to remember myself in these moments described.

Something about being self conscious about myself has truly hindered my ability to take out a camera and say "cheese" because I genuinely don't want to know the truth of how I look like during that moment. I do not want to remember how I felt during that moment. I just don't like myself during THAT moment.

Looking back at my old pictures I took when I was a child, with no self deprecating thoughts, I always get sort of sad. I genuinely was excited to have the camera all up on my face, and I never felt bad about acknowledging that I looked GOOD. Like isn't that so genuinely weird? How do I feel bad about looking good to the point that I shame myself for being too dressed up, or looking in the mirror degrading myself. Why can't I let myself be vain and pull out a camera for once truly?

It honestly makes me cry how I can't let myself take pictures or be on camera, or how I get mad at my friends for posting pictures of me even if they are good. Just the sight of myself on a video or a post makes my heart skip a beat sometimes, and this is something I literally don't understand about myself- but it's something I so desperately want to change.

I want to be able to have my children or friends look at these pictures, and say a THOUSAND WORDS about how much they love them, but unfortunately for them my camera roll is empty. And the way it's going, it looks like it'll always be empty.

That's all for now,

Signing off,

uche. 🦋