The Multiple Layers of Udeh’s Passion: LOVES fashion; hates Fashion
- Apr 17, 2024
- 13 min read
Dear Jewel,
Yes, I am back. After God knows how many months, I finally got the courage to come back here. I want to apolgize once more for my unannounced hiatus. I just felt like my words no longer held any value; my sole talent felt like it was slowly disappearing by the second. I don't know why I am back or who brought me back here, all I know is I missed this. I wanted this feeling back. So I came back.
I have an assingment due soon so excuse my rush and lack of flowery words, but today's diary entry is an interview-based essay I conducted on my sister, Ebube Udeh. It honestly could be developped upon more, but I have never been able to convey such deep levels of emotion before this. I have re-read this essay over a thousand times more than confident that this is something I want published somewhere, somehow. So please join me in reading The Multiple Layers of Udeh’s Passion.
There was really no space for silence when it came to us; then, that is. As we’d dress our Barbies in flamboyant pink outfits that she fawned over, her light awe consumed the air that surrounded us. I wondered if the girl on my computer screen 226 miles away from me remembered those moments of delight. Her light blonde extensions, paired with her peanutbutter skin brought out a glisten in her brown eyes- a glisten I had only seen during our faux fashion shows as kids.
She leaned into the computer as each question passed by, telling me she wanted to say more; to express more. Those Barbie days of dressing up were gone, but the joy that fashion brought this little girl stayed; it became her “forever love”- as she would grow to say.
Though I’ve known this little girl for 18 years, I seem to only have been aware of her in terms of the surface; in all honesty, and I hope this doesn’t come off ill-mannered, I never wondered about the depth she bestowed; that she could be deeper than who she was to me. She was my sister, and that was that. Now, we sat a good two hundred feet away from each other, just enough distance to bear the violence of the congruent silence. I averted my eyes away to the still scenery of her room behind her, and I saw her Vogue posters piercing through the screen. Her pink fuchsia sweater paired with her merit blush alone tells you that fashion to her is breathing to me.
But, what’s most intriguing about this little girl isn’t her love for fashion, but her perception of it. The same way I only tapped into the surface of her, is the same manner as to which people do fashion, being ignorant of the levels of depth it possesses. Your John Doe doesn’t ponder about the politics of African fashion upon hearing the word; they ponder about the super, hot white model on the cover of Elle. Yes this little girl may be pursuing a life in the fashion realm, but let it be known that her passion for fashion lies in its multifaceted capabilities, as “everything is nuanced”, according to her. Though we were a little over 200 miles apart, it became clear to me that the art of fashion is as multifaceted as Ebubechukwu Alfreda Udeh, and in exploring fashion in depth you explore Udeh in depth.
Udeh recalls being born into a fashionable family as one of the foundational blocks for the being she is today. Of course, she acknowledges the fact that a passion such as fashion isn’t solely reliant on heritability, but having a family who shares in the same interest as yours does aid in pushing your drive ever so forward. By giving her the creative freedom to try out different interests, and imploring her desires through enrolling her in fashion shows as a kid, she was able to find her calling. But for all that love and approval her family showered her in, it was countered by her academic peers who deemed fashion to be a waste of an educational experience. Growing up in Nigeria, traditional values were the regime by which we abided by. To hear a Nigerian child discuss aspirations of taking a different turn opposed to the pre-med or pre-law route was synonymous to a religious sin. Upon hearing this, I was overcome by memories of my sister being affronted by her classmates’ disapproval of her fashion choices. Udeh’s entire being was tainted by the culture shock received from her scholastic environment, painting her remaining high school years a bluish hue. As I stared into her tired brown eyes, a feeling of shame drowned me in its pool as the conversation prolonged. It wasn’t the recollection of how she was treated that ever so pained me, but the fact that she told me her refuge during these times was social media. The little girl whom I used to twin with told me with the faintest smile that “high-fashion Twitter was my initial community because everyone on high fashion Twitter just gets it, they all love fashion.” It warmed my heart that she was able to find a rapport, but a chill still resided within me knowing that I wasn’t present enough to be her sanctuary. She would go on to refer to those people as her “starting off-points” in becoming cognizant of how big the fashion community is outside of the area she was secluded from. As terminally online as it seems, Twitter was her gateway, and promise, to the fashion world.
The Twitter community acted as an adhesive for Udeh, and a strong one at that; it’s what made her stick to her passion despite all the tension pulling her away from it. No one in my family was aware of this; or rather, we chose to avert our attention from this. As progressive as my family may have come off, we still were rooted in the very Nigerian idea of not discussing our depressive feelings. “Depression is not real,” our mom would tell us, “just pray about it.” This aversive culture that we continued to live in served as the reason for Udeh finding refuge elsewhere during those hard times, when in reality, her blood should’ve been her strongest support instead of a digital account. As I’ve been pleaded by her to omit some details from our interview, I can only say that Udeh’s expressions when delineating her story made my whole body itch. Itch with shame, itch with discomfort, and itch with regret for not being the sister she needed. Her tight rose lips, and paced breathing were remnants of a down time for her. It’s an inexplicable feeling watching your role models spiral, and it's even more inexplicable when you’re watching your sister- who you thought you knew- be sad about something you could’ve prevented. Her coming to an abrupt stop in her monologue midway was her way of urging me to move on in the conversation- which is all we’ve been programmed to do.
Inasmuch as she pays tribute to those online communities who engaged her into conversations about fashion- and kept her alive- she was really drawn into this industry more by a specific who rather than a what. The same way she was my role model since our American Girl playdates, she had her own role model that she would go on her knees for. You could sense the eagerness in her body being built up as I started to form Vivienne Westwood’s name on my tongue. My question was still going, but a wide smile started to form across her face showcasing her pearly whites, warning me of the thrill I had just ignited within her. “This is a noble woman,” Udeh said in awe, “...she literally goes on daily bikes with her bike rides with her husband past her flagship store, just like stuff like that. That's like wow…really grounded her for me.” Everything about the avant-garde British fashionista staggered Udeh. Her sentences started to pause more often than before, trying to hinder all her thoughts from running all over the place as she searched for the perfect term to describe this trophy of a woman. Of course, this pacing had come to a standstill when I misspoke about the date of the afroementionned’s death; her face was full with dismay and disgust as she abruptly corrected my unpardonable ignorance. In her time of life and death, Westwood received a plethora of flowers from Udeh alone, as she attributes her deepened love of fashion to a holy day back in summer 2021 where she walked into heaven- alias, Vivienne Westwood’s flagship store in London. “I feel like before then I've always been enamored by her work and like how artistic and true she is to her roots and like her creative inspiration. But stepping into that flagship store, it literally is a museum, like it's a Vivienne Westwood museum like it literally embodies…And it showcases everything.” For Udeh, though she may not have explicitly stated this, I’ve deciphered that being in that environment was a form of healing of her inner self for the disobliging retributions she received in her high school career as she “was in a space in the first time ever in [her] life where…it felt like [fashion] could be a reality, for [her],” compensating for her past- and her broken inner little girl. Watching the transition from a desolated to jubilated subject on my screen was positively overwhelming. She went from the border of tears to practically screaming to me about this female British pioneer- I was forced to take off my headphones to avoid any possible ear damage from her fangirling. Though her idol wasn’t actually present in that store, that served no importance to her; the rushing sentiment she garnered from being in that domain was all that was needed to adhesively attach her onto fashion forever.
Unlike most fashion tycoon connoisseurs, Udeh is love-stricken by Westwood not only for her redefinition of the punk and romantic scenes (“How Vivienne Westwood Has Impacted the Fashion World”), but for her clear stake in the civil liberties of the disadvantaged, specifically when it concerned issues of the growing c’s (consumerism and capitalism) in fashion and sustainable fashion (“How Vivienne Westwood Has Impacted the Fashion World”). Though it may be hard to guess from just a first look at Udeh, she was in fact drilled in her own political affiliations. For her, the lines that separate her politics from her fashion are blurred, which just adds on to her multifaceted nature. One of her closest friends who was an academic peer with her, Zara Ndoma-Egba, 18, even went as far as describing attending high school with Udeh as walking side-by-side a Femi Kuti reincarnation. Being the founder of her school’s Equity organization, it is of no surprise that her favorite fashion mother would be someone who is as well intrigued on the alleviation of social issues. Her mind is enamored with the multifaceted nature of Westwood and is particularly drawn to how she is able to showcase that nature through her work, which is something Udeh tries to emulate as well. Our subject believes in not downplaying any part of someone’s identity, including their socio-political beliefs in their work, which is why she strives to always incorporate that into her designs. This similar belief that politics is something that is engraved in fashion that she shares with Westwood, augments her desire to emulate Westwood even more, encouraging the heterogeneous nature behind fashion. To sum up Udeh’s relationship with Westwood, her infatuation with the idol is her ability to routinely go above and beyond with her drops whilst standing true to her socio-political affiliations. That’s the type of fashion she’s enthralled by- in case anyone cared.
Of course, not everyone would care about that type of fashion, which is something Udeh learnt through her time at school. Our subject’s traditional upbringing with hypebeast males who were suffocating themselves in what was known as “drip,” paired with the most abaft mentalities, has led her to believe that “you can have good style…and not be into fashion because…it as a socio-economic socio-cultural movement that has quite literally played a part in every historical way” taking a jab at those who claim to be savants but are bedridden with backward, capitalist mentality.
"her social media handle is 'loves fashion with the like a non capitalized f hate fashion with a capitalized F' and that's exactly how I feel"
The Nigerian men who surrounded her in school, constantly pulling up to school streaming Bape and Gucci from head to toe, were the same ones who would discourage her progressive mentality and her hyperfixation on fashion. To her, this mentality made it seem like we could only ever be one face of a cube, but seeing how forward Udeh was, and is, she stood against that, angering these “dripped out” men. I did remember those Equity days with my sister in charge and taking them for granted. At the time, I was unaware of what roads she was paving for me, and deemed her to be “too” emotional, when she was just fighting for a cause that was very much worthy. My inability to unwrap fashion for all its layers made me blind to my sister’s motivations in her organization, but hearing her rehash these memories gave me hindsight to my blind ignorance of both the fashion cause- and my sister. In her work at the Equity organization, she continued to push forward the importance of recognizing that we are not shapes in a shape sorter game, and must realize that we hold multiple qualities that make us who we are; she was a pioneer who tried to make her peers see that a cube has more than one face
With the implicit encouragement of Westwood’s fashion movement, it became clear to Udeh that you are not into fashion if you are not into all parts of fashion, which can be seen to parallel Udeh as a whole. You don’t know Udeh unless you know all parts of Udeh, which may be why she never bonded so effectively with her peers.
Whilst, yes, Udeh had presented me with the assumption that Westwood guided her morning, afternoon and evening, she desperately wanted to make it clear that Westwood, as enthralling as she was, wasn’t her fashion icon as she couldn’t level with her when it comes to identity. Udeh truly believes in the melangé of articles, reasoning in her credence that her identity and passion would always be one in the same; it’s impossible to have one without the other. “I would say both are intertwined. It doesn't matter which one comes first. Because you can find- you can find your identity through your passion. And your identity can also influence and ignite and catalyze your passion.” Once she finally began to see herself as the African woman she was, she stated that that’s when her passion for fashion blossomed as she was able to circle that back to herself instead of back to the girls she was used to seeing in the magazines, and often found herself being compared to by those who tried to discourage her pursuits.
"passion plus identity is purpose"
When asked to design an outfit inspired from the Victorian Era on pinterest, at first she was taken aback. Her face was like a puzzle, trying to put the pieces together to understand why exactly I had her conduct this task knowing this wasn’t her style. In a split second her expression transformed from uncertainty to certainty. The design she fashioned for me made the point of including a black woman’s picture in the process, which implicitly manifested her inner values. To find a black woman in a Victorian outfit is what one may refer to as a gold mine, considering the high levels of racial chauvinism during those times; thus, her going out of her way to find some sort of representation for herself, truly shows how imperative her identity is for her in regards to la mode. “Everyone plays a part in fashion,” Udeh said assertively, “if you're not walking around naked, you are influenced by societal expectations in terms of what you wear- everyone is.” This is why despite the immense love Udeh has for Westwood, she resorted to those who she saw herself in. “I see myself in Mowalola, I see myself- sorry, I saw myself in Virgil Abloh (rip), one with the greatest of our time…like I see myself in those Black and African creators who have very much broken barriers…I already, now in real life at this age in my late teens or early 20s, I'm already seeing people like with my shared identity.” From these set of gifted individuals, the one that seemed to have the most lasting influence on Udeh was the British-Nigerian, Mowalola, who “[makes] clothes to challenge people’s minds…it screams [her] lived experience as a black person” referring to her controversial bullet hole dress, worn in 2019, to show what it means to live as a walking target; aka, a person of color in the Western World. Her defiance to capitalistic fashion standards enraptured Udeh as she observed with smitten eyes how Mowalola addresses the issues of black chauvinism through her creative pieces (Owais) showcasing the sophisticated layers of this designer; in all actuality, the heterogeneity of all these listed designers is what attracted them to Udeh the most, because in that sense, they all embodied each other. Their care for the world was personified by their clothing- even including the aforementioned Vivienne Westwood. These designers, by the color of their skin alone, have instilled a sort of aspiration in Udeh to bring black and African culture out into the fashion realm and make it a clear attribution. In a system where there's already a noticeable dearth of representation, Udeh wants little Barbie girls who look like her to be able to preserve their culture and see themselves (Coffee Affair) in a scene they share an aspiration to be in.
Frankly, I could sort of guess that my sister had to have been layered. But at the same time, I wasn’t in the know as to how many layers she truly had. Maybe it’s the younger sister in me, but I always just chose to believe this flattering remark about my sister that I never really sought evidence for; but now that I have been granted that evidence, I must admit I am taken aback and left in wonder of how much of this multifaceted being I have missed out on. All of a sudden, in increments, I am taken back to times where she would be jawing off to me about Vivienne Westwood’s latest drops and their meaning to cultural society, where I would nod my head off in hopes of being left alone in peace. This little girl I would once beg to play Barbie with me had cocooned into someone who wants to design the clothes for Barbies now. Udeh wasn’t aware of this, but as we were sewing the patchwork for her perception of fashion, we were simultaneously sewing the patchwork of the world’s perception of herself. The readers, including I, got to see her for all her levels she’s been decorated with and got to know her beyond the front she presents herself with. Udeh, and her well-versed self, can now be defined as someone who truly cares about fashion and everything the art has to offer; from the importance of black and African representation, to the escapism fashion provided for her through her struggles, fashion was her everything and much, much more.
Although she didn’t necessarily leave the conversation with an inspirational quote, she did call me back the other day on yet another ramble about the February 2024 Vogue cover. However, this time I found myself taking down notes again; I wasn’t willing to miss anything this girl on my computer 226 miles away was telling me ever again. And this time, there really was no space for silence.
NOTE: Udeh hosted a fashion show for Black History Month Black Heritage celebration month at George Washington University. It was her first time showcasing the outfits she has designed with the help of a tailor.
That's all for today Jewel. Sorry for how long it was, I just had much to say. I love you so much and I am so glad to be back.
Signing off,
uche. 🦋
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