Words of Affirmation

Dear Jewel,

Words of affirmation is my apparent love language. I always assumed I was a Quality Time type of person, someone who basks in the enjoyment of other people's company. I quickly realized how untrue that was when I couldn't keep a conversation with someone for longer than 15 seconds due to me being uncertain of what to say. However, I REALLY like being affirmed.

It's just so nice to have the feeling that someone out there in this pool of 8 billion people would look at your hard work and dedication, and go "what you're doing is great! keep up the good work!". Those ten words put together, can boost up my mood in ways I cannot even describe. That is why I enjoy giving out compliments to people because I assume everyone is as thirsty as me for words of validation, or words that affirm them, as if they don't already have confidence in their actions.

Maybe that is why my love language is Words of Affirmation. Perhaps in my 16 years of being Uche, I have experienced too many words of REFUTATION that I search for comfort in the smallest appreciation I can receive. My body fumes with anger and resentment when I do something I am so proud of myself for doing, but I get no recognition from it. I don't do the things I do for validation though (at least I hope so) but after years of self and non-self depreciation, just a little "good job" motivates me to work harder and tells me that what I am doing is okay.

I think because of how much I second-guess myself I never truly understand whether I am doing the right thing or not. I need someone in every single stage in my life to tell me my rights or wrongs, validate my every do's and don'ts, it's like I need a handwritten manual for me to live my life and I am honestly drained. I wish I had an abundance of confidence in myself to be able to do things without worrying about what other people think. The way my life would be much easier is INSANE.

I read somewhere that usually boys retain every compliment that is said to them because they receive compliments not that often, and I think that is one of the first times I can relate to men. I am not saying I don't receive compliments, but when I do they feel so in-genuine. As if the person is lying or doesn't know what they're talking about even though deep down I KNOW there is a possibility that a compliment has some validity to it. I guess it's because of how I perceive myself, or how I carry myself. Constantly thinking "oh they probably don't really know me then" is probably the bane of my existence, but it's something I do not know how to stop doing.

A life where I experience no hesitation in what I do or say would be a life I desire so dearly. It's something that's been on my wishlist, and every single time I near achieving that goal, there's always a shortcoming that somehow holds me back. Sick of it.

I think this is definitely where my academic validation stems from. When I realized at an early age of I would like to say 6, that academics and character is something I excel at I never wanted to let that achievement go. Instead, I just kept on developing that characteristic of mine and never wanted to go out of my tiny, little comfortable box. I was told recently by a teacher of mine (a few hours ago actually) that excellence is something that comes easy to me in everything that I do, even things I don't prepare for, I am still excellent. And that's something that I will tell my children every day because it just has to be the most validating piece of words I have ever received.

Striving for excellence in all my coursework is one of my WORST traits. Yes, I do get good grades, but the tears and self-guessing that goes into them is insane. I always seem to get so worked up over something as simple as a presentation and convince myself I am going to find a way to be humiliated and fail. Why do I amount every single assignment given to me as my self worth? In the end, I am always going to do fine, yet I still get so anxious that my fine can never be enough. There are other 16 year olds out there who are doing more than I am, getting higher grades than I am, yet here I am trying to persuade myself to be satisfied with what I have. I want MORE.

Getting validation from the academic work I complete, compensates for all the anxiety and tears I wasted. In fact, if you ever see me crying throughout the day just know it's for one of these reasons:

1. School

2. Appearance

3. School

4. A movie/tv show character

5. School

The fear of failing at school (failing meaning anything below my ridiculous perfectionist standards) is something that haunts me everyday. I've made my academic achievements an apparent part of me. I have always equated my A's to how much of a person in general I am, so when I get anything below I get a bit confused. It almost feels like I've lost my spark or what has made me "me". And I know people think I am overreacting when I am crying over my Pre-Calculus grade being an 89, but it's not me being obnoxious, it's me being afraid of losing myself, you know?

Imagine Usain Bolt wasn't the fastest man alive. He won't be the Bolt. So not getting my straight A's is killing me, because I have strived for perfection my whole life and made my grades myself. I have based how much I like myself on the grades I get.

"Oh yes this bad thing happened, but hey at least I am still smart"

"Yeah, that happened, but hey my grades look really good"

"I may be sad right now, but as long as my grades are good, I am good"

Every time I don't get an A it's almost as if the class is laughing at me, telling me I am not worth enough or worth it. As if I am no more Uche, that smart girl, but rather just Uche, that girl. I've never really been the best at everything so being good at being smart is something that I've taken pride in and seeing that slipping away slowly as I age has really show me that there is absolutely NOTHING special about me.

I think today I must've cried three times after my schools' AWARD assembly. I walked out of there award-less. Tried my best to hold back my tears and sustain the pain in my throat as I congratulated my rightfully deserving peers on their achievements, but it just felt like my teachers looked at all the hard work and dedication I put in this year and said "eh, could've done better". It proved that my "fine" wasn't the "best" that they desired. I painfully sat through more than 15 awards being called, and it felt as if I wasn't even a consideration for any of them.

I feel so embarrassed actually. It's like everyone knows. I almost felt like everyone was whispering about it at that very moment. "Uche's lost her spark". Perhaps I was just really overthinking it, and nobody actually cared but me. But it's like everyone now knows that I am not up there anymore, and it's painful to watch myself slip away. In fact as I write this a tear just slid down my eye.

My mom told me not to fret, that it's just a piece of paper. But I NEEDED that piece of paper. Yes, Columbia probably doesn't care about a piece of paper that said you're a good citizen in your junior year of high school, but I needed it to know the work I was doing wasn't going to sh*t. I NEEDED to know that what I have done in my eleven months of being at school was beneficial towards me. I NEEDED to know I haven't been knocked off this ridiculously high pedestal that I put myself on, with all this unnecessary pressure coming from all angles.

I think this award show was definitely my final and last straw (which is essentially the same thing). It kind of verified the thought that I have been thinking all year. That I am slipping away, slowly, and I HATE that.

Affirmation is something that I crave. I wish I didn't, but I did. It's probably because I haven't affirmed myself. But for now, just affirm me.

signing off teary eyed,

uche. 🦋