Perception

Dear Jewel,

I am someone who can’t read a book, or enjoy a show, without overanalyzing every aspect of it. I list out the flaws of the show in my head, detailing what they could’ve done better to make it more engaging. Formulating a pros and cons chart of the characters mentally, and bastardizing them for every criticizable move they make. That’s literally the ONLY way I can ever enjoy something, by overanalyzing. It’s such a habit of mine, that I tend to overanalyze myself as well. Which leads to overanalyzing the way others perceive me, and I hate the thought of being perceived. I don't want to be perceived EVER.

I would rather be in the shadows just copying everyone else’s move, and thoughts, than make the wrong move and be judged, because believe me, I am already judging myself and every action. Being in the spotlight, or being someone that's looked up to, seems like so much pressure for a person who struggles with her self esteem. It’s almost as if my body is so confused. It functions as both the judge and the criminal in a court, it’s so weird and inexplicable. The judge can't make a verdict on whether the criminal is guilty or not, yet still finds a way to make the criminal feel gutted. I premeditated almost all of my actions, yet being me, I found a way to screw things up. How is that even possible? Like how is it possible for me to take such a long time processing how to say something or do something, yet I still sound so UNSURE of myself it’s crazy it makes me feel so stupid and I hate that. And here I am, criticizing myself once again. It could be a coping mechanism. You won't be as hurt hearing malicious comments from others, if the most malicious comments you've heard have already come for yourself. It just hurts when someone else agrees with you.

I would kind of implement this “fake it till you make it” mantra into my life, and pretend that I wasn’t bothered by a lot of my characteristics, kind of never confronting the idea that I may have loved myself but not liked myself. I would love the way I would think about my ideal life, or I would love the version of me that is so carefully made and wonderful, but I still don't like myself. The concept of being loved versus being liked is like loving the way a piece of music sounds, or makes YOU feel, or the rhythm of it, in comparison to DISLIKING the message the song is trying to portray. You love the exterior of it, or the concept in theory, but can’t stand the interior elements used to make it. That’s how I feel I am perceived you know? It all sounds so good on paper but when it's brought to real life, it is like an experiment gone wrong.

I would force myself to fit in to any social scene to make the people surrounding me comfortable, pretending to be glad, when I am totally uncomfrotable, just so I wouldn't be perceived in the wrong way, which is so stupid looking back at it. Purposefully placing myself in places of discomfort in an attempt to be someone I know I am not is such a hard trope to get out of. I've just been stuck in this attempt for as long as I can remember, and it is so hard to get out. It is like those shape sorter games, where little kids would attempt to fit a rectangular piece in a circle slot, but it just doesn't work. I literally feel like I don't fit in anywhere and as if I am always going to be left out some way or the other. Like I am not a core piece in practically anything, that without me life would still function the same, or even perhaps better than it did before. That's why whenever I find something that I excel at I hold onto it so tight and become so possessive over it because I am so desperate to find something that's just for me, something that I can't feel out of place with. I can never let it slip through my fingers, that is not something I would ever want to do. Even with the friendships I've had for years and the ones I hold dearest to my heart, I always feel like I am on the sidelines.

I guess that is why I enjoy being alone with myself. Even though at times my mind can go adrift into places I don't typically like, I still never feel left out. It's a moment of peace, for internal dialogue, and despite the shortcomings of it, such as the constant self deprecation, I rather be alone than being left out. Because I still feel like I fit in with myself even if I am a rectangular piece.

I realize that the art of being alone can only be mastered by a few. We as a society are so interdependent on one another that we at times depend our happiness, and mental stability on being included. That is why we do our best to present ourselves to be enlightening individuals who are warm all the time, have no flaws and can do no wrong. If it isn't clear we is me btw. It kind of reminds me of this quote I spotted in a show that demonstrates a lot of character depth, Bojack Horseman, when one of the characters says

“it's so sad that when you see someone as they really are it ruins them”

hearing this quote stuck to me like an adhesive. It kind of made me go down this spiral of whether the more people know me, the less they desire to know me. I started wondering if I would be the reason a lot of my friendships would end, and started distancing myself a bit and it's crazy how thinking hard of one quote in a show about a delusional horse and the consequences of his deluded actions put me in a place where I was demonizing myself?? Like I am so aware that I am not a bad person, but I am so stuck on what others see about me that I sometimes think that if THEY believe I am a bad person. Is my opinion on myself negated at that point? Would they be better off without me? Would they be smiling without me? Am I unintentionally a toxic friend to keep? These are all the things I think about, cause I don't know nor understand how I am perceived in others eyes? I don't even know how I am perceived in my own eyes and it is so confusing.

I don’t know why I feel like that, and I really wish I did, because maybe if I did I would be able to confront it and life would be so MUCH EASIER. It’s also harder when you literally have no idea what you look like and need constant reassurance. It isn’t vanity if you’re checking yourself not checking yourself out you know?? Anytime, anywhere, given the chance, I will look at my reflection and observe. Observe to make sure there's nothing wrong with it, or nothing has changed since I left the house. Observing to make sure I know how to smile, how to laugh, how to literally do anything. I sometimes wonder why I even care so much, but I know why. I literally know why so why do I keep running from confronting the reason why?

I guess the most reasonable thing someone with common sense would do to solve this obvious predicament, would be to look at the glass half full. That saying has to be the bane of my existence. The glass is barely a quarter full some days, how can I regard it as half full?? It's literally the most annoying generic encouragement phrase that I've heard and I despise it. I can try and hash out how I feel by first confronting the origin of this whole entire thing, but that seems to be so hard.

I’d like to think that it wouldn't take too long to overcome this but I know that that is not true. It's going to take a long while. That is why I overanalyze. To spot the different viewpoints that life withholds, so I can finally choose the one perspective that resonates with me the most and stick by it. It is something I want to do so BAD. I just want to pick an angle to view life from and never see any other angle ever again. But I guess those other angles are important right? So you can read the whole story, and grow a better understanding of trials and tribulations of life? I guess I am just tired of these trials and just ready to be set free, but I am not sure.

That's all I have for you today jewel,

Signing off,

uche. 🦋

this is also the most amount of I’s I have ever used, and I promise to not do this again 💀